The Mischievous Marauder Adventures
by The Perfect Denial
Summary: About the marauders and jame's many attempts to get Lily to like him. Also just stories and adventures.
1. Stuck In The Girls Bathroom

**_The Mischievous Marauder Adventures_**

**Chapter 1**

"Sirius, you ugly ass got off of me!" Remus shouted under his crushing weight. Three Of the four marauders had tumbled out of a bathroom stall, James suddenly fell on Sirius.

"Umph! Mate you got to loose some pounds how can a seeker be fat?"

"Well it is possible Sirius. I can be the first 400 pound seeker if I wanted."  
Sirius cringed, still sprawled across the floor, and still on Remus. "You'd break the broom!"

"If you wouldn't mind cutting this conversation short but-"

"What was that?" Sirius attempted to look around, craning his neck to look around.

"The lump underneath you."

"Oh, Sorry Moony"

They got all got up delighted to be off the floor. "That was too close," said James brushing off the dust from his robes.

"Your telling me, one second longer and we would have been at the mercy of a deranged man and his lovely friend the teacosy." He looked around curiously "Why were we even trying to go near the girls bathroom, needed a desperate place to piss Prongs?"  
James scowled at him "No I didn't."  
Remus rolled his eyes "Catching up on your daily gossip then are you?" James's eyes flashed. "Dear god Prongs you can't be serious!"  
"Oh shut it Moony."

"Your too obsessed." Sirius looked at him in indignation and shock.

"She's not going to like that" Remus remarked in a mock voice.  
James crossed his arms, "What makes you so sure, eh?"

"Your practically stalking her Prongs, like she _isn't_ going to notice!"  
"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."  
"No I'm not!"  
"Just watch you'll see."  
"I'm hungry."  
"Nice to meet you." Sirius kicked him, "Owch, bugger that hurt Padfoot!"  
"Go cry to Snape."

"You smell funny."  
"Yeah, well you-"

There was chatter coming down the hallway of many girls, and along with them a visible redhead. The three boys stood shocked. "Oh lord." Hurriedly they ran back into the stall and locked the door. James trying to look out of the lock which was now their only source of light. "Bloody hell they travel in huge packs don't they?"

"Like wolves." These words made Remus's hair on the back of his neck stick up.  
"Don't breathe down my neck you sound like you might as well be that character from that muggle movie."  
"Moony, I am your father."  
"Ha-ha"

"Shhh, I can't hear!"

"Lily why don't you like James?" came a voice from outside the marauders stall.

James pressed his ear to the door, " Well why should I like him?" came a haughty response. Remus and Sirius snickered.  
The girl sighed and said, "Why should you not? He's so handsome."  
James smirked at Remus who rolled his eyes. "My this will be interesting" he muttered wishing he were somewhere else. Perhaps a lovely park or lake, but certainly not crammed in a girls bathroom stall.  
"Yes but he is a thick-headed fool"  
"Oooh, owch" Sirius poked him,

James shook his head, "She's lying."  
"But he follows you everywhere Lily. Everyone knows he likes you why not give his pretty face a chance?" "I'd rather not."  
Sirius's foot fell into the toilet making a loud crashing sound, "Damnitt."  
They could feel all the girl's eyes looking at their stall. Remus shrunk, "This will be the end of it all. Why do I associate with such idiots?"  
"Shhh!"  
"Uhmm…. Hello?" The boys sat silently holding their breath, "Hello?"

There was a knock on their door and James moved away as though it had been infected merely by a woman's touch. "Are you ok in there?"

Sirius spoke in a high voice trying to imitate Bellitrix's voice, yet failing miserably. "H-hello? Oh I'm sorry just…" he searched for words, "slipped."

"Oh its you Bellitrix, well that's fine just wondering if anyone of concern was listening in." James gave a silent cheer. _They actually bought it._

"Nope, no one here." Sirius had a bigger smirk then Remus did a frown, and that was saying something.

"Bye."  
"Toodle-oo." They waited till they herd the door close and immediately poured out.   
"I can't believe I just did that" Remus said shocked.

"Yeah well I can't believe they bought my Bella-voice!"  
"You really need to work on that Padfoot."  
"Yeah, I know."  
Remus stood shocked as a figure stood in front of him. Sirius and James were too busy celebrating that they didn't notice what was still there. "Hello there" He said nervously to a girl with bright orange hair, "How are you today?"  
** "POTTER!"**  
James cringed turning around, "Oh…Evans. Fancy seeing you here eh?"  
"It's the _girls_ bathroom, Potter!"  
"It is, is it?" He looked up, "ah I guess it is well….I'll be seeing you."  
"What are you doing here?"  
"Desperate times call for desperate measures." He said hurriedly pulling open the door and running out with Remus and Sirius behind him. 


	2. Firewiskey and The Future

**Chapter 2**

"Blimey that was close."

"James we were caught!"

"Yep."

"You are thick."

James glared at him. "Well Moony I found out valuable information."

Remus snorted, "like what?"

"Like there was a murder in that bathroom."

Remus could feel his eyebrows lifting, "oh really?"

"Yes Remus did u see how much blood was on that floor?"

"James that's not from a murder"

"Well what could it be from?"

"It's from a thing called a per-"

"Prongs, Padfoot, Moony!" Peter came running down the hall looking towards them cheer filling his eyes

"What's with him?" Sirius asked.

James shrugged, "Don't ask me."

"You were in the _girls bathroom!?"  
_

"Word gets round' fast" mumbled Sirius into James's ear. James nodded.

Remus put one hand over his mouth. "Shhh no we weren't its just a figment of imagination."

Sirius raised one eyebrow "Of everyone's imagination?"

"Shut your mouth Padfoot, I'm trying to sound convincing."

"Well," He yawned, "its not working"

"I know that Padfoot please don't remind me."

James sniggered and immediately shut up seeing Lily passing through the common room. She glared at him causing his heart to sink. "She _hates_ me."

"Now, now Prongsie she doesn't hate you," Sirius said patting him on the back, "She just dislikes you strongly."

"Thanks Padfoot."

"No problem."

James sighed opening the door to the common room, dragging his feet up to his dormitory. He collapsed on his bed noticing there wasn't anything to disturb him here. James closed his eyes allowing his brain to try and let go of every thought that connected or made him think of Lily. "She hates me…."

"Talking to yourself again Prongsie?" a gruff voice asked.

"Piss off Padfoot."

"Whoever said I was him?"

James kept his eyes closed not willing to open them and see that it was Sirius plainly in front of him. "Fine," the gruff voice said, now discouraged, "you're in a bad mood."

"I said, piss off." James waved his hand making the door slam in Sirius' face.

Sirius cursed and walked over to Remus who was reading quietly by the common room fire. "Moony!" Sirius jumped on top of Remus making him drop his book labeled "How to Train a Dog."

"Oi," Sirius picked up the book "What's this for?"

"For the dog that lives in the shower."

"A dog lives in the shower?"

"No, but maybe he should. How's Prongs?"

"Probably trying to behead himself with a cat by now."

"Can u behead yourself with a cat?" Peter asked nervously biting his nails; obviously he was considering the many dangerous life-threatening issues involving cats.

"Oh yes!" Remus responded in his mock excited voice, "Next he will kill himself with a piece of parchment."

"Well…"

"Don't even think about it."

"Bossy werewolf."

"Go find Prongs Sirius."

"Why _me!?"  
_  
"I'll go!" Peter jumped up and down. He was feeling rather left out lately. "Let me go!"

"Ok Wormtail get James down here, and bring Padfoot with you."

Sirius sulked, "I'm telling you he's trying to kill himself with a cat! Let him kill himself in peace!"

"Since when did you care?" Remus shot him a look.

"Since now."

Remus rolled his eyes; he should've expected this reaction from Sirius. "Go!" he pointed up to stairs to the dormitory.

Sirius obediently followed Peter merely an inch behind him. It was quite disturbing actually. "Wormtail you think you could de-tatch yourself from my backside and stop breathing down my neck."

"Oh, Sorry."

"Prongsie!" Sirius yelled banging on the dormitory door, "Prongsie you in there?"

No voices came from inside.

"Prongsie if you don't open this door I will invade your personal space and knock down the door using a battering ram!" Sirius motioned to Peter to look for something that looked "battering-ram like," sadly he found nothing. Sirius opened the door and-

"MOONY, MOONY!!!" Remus probably couldn't hear Sirius if he wanted to and was currently daydreaming about meeting historical figures like George Washington or Michel Jackson. Sirius and Peter ran down looking like they'd seen a ghost and knocked Remus off his chair for the second time that day.

"What!"

"Prongs is gone!"

"What do you mean?"

"Prongs is…is…" Peter motioned a knife cutting his through and, as if on cue, gagged on his own spit.

Remus didn't believe them. After all, what fool would? "Show me."

The three boys walked upstairs two dragging their feet and one feeling like this was wasting his time. They got to the door, Sirius and Peter stared at the door their eyes wide. "Approach with caution: Dead Corpse" was written plainly on some parchment and spell-o-taped to the door.

Remus opened the door. "Oh it smells bloody awful in here!"

"It always smells like this Sirius don't u remember?"

"Oh…yeah."

"Where's Prongs then."

"Under the bed." Peter pointed to what looked like a leg sticking out.

Remus pulled him out while Peter and Sirius clung onto each other shaking in what he guessed was fear. There was tape over James' mouth and writing on his face that said "don't touch me, I'm dead." Either Sirius wrote it or James before he had fell asleep, for he was plainly breathing.

"Its not moving Wormtail!"

Remus scoffed and pulled the tape off his mouth, "He's breathing."

"Oh, well then" He pushed Peter away who slipped and fell continently on his large arse. "get him up."

"Get some cold water."

Peter ran down and got water from the bathroom, huffing as he ran back. "That's a new record! Seven seconds less that last time!" Peter cheered silently forgetting what, or who was on the floor.

"Give me that." Remus grabbed the water and dumped it over James' head.

James' eyes shot open. "W-what? Where am I? What's my name? Who are you?"  
"I'm Remus, you know me."

"HE'S LOST HIS MEMORY! HIS MEMORY WORMTAIL, HE WON'T REMEMBER ME!"

"Oh, its you Sirius"

"Y-you remember me?"

"Who would forget a moron like you?"

"Well I am quite mem- hey!"

"Why am I on the floor?"

"You tell me."

"Sirius!" He yelled looking in the mirror. "This is the second time this month!"

"No its not."

"Yes it is."

"No its no-" Sirius remember a recent event of James waking up in women's clothes and writing "Do not disturb a lady's dreams,"  
"Oh…bugger."

"So why'm I here?"

"I put you there, you were comfortable weren't you?"

_"On the floor?"_

"Yes."

"No, Padfoot, No."

"Don't use that doggy voice on me!"

"Well, its what you are"

"No its not."

"Yes it is, Pad-foot, paws. Its even in your bloody nickname!"

"No its- bugger. That's the second time you got me today!" James sniggered, "I think I'm loosing my mojo" Sirius said sinking to the  
floor. "Oh woe is me! I feel a heat coming on! The light! Oh my I can see it, its so close now!"

"Shut up Sirius and help me up"

"I can't, I'm tainted!"

"Arse." James muttered helping himself up since no one was going to _help him up._

"How have you been dealing?" Peter asked observing James' solemn face.

"Oh lovely, I want to go prancing in a field of flowers with some nargles I'm no happy. Know where I can find any?"

Peter looked taken aback, "Don't start Prongs." Sirius mumbled still sulking on the floor. He spotted a jar on the floor. "Oi! Did you eat my peanut butter!?"

"It helps when your depressed."

"But that was _my_ Peanut butter!"

"Oh sodd off!"

"I like peanut butter." Peter said.

"Me too."

"Its got that sweet yet thick texture and when there's chunks its like…"

"An explosion in your mouth?"

"Not exactly what I was going to say Padfoot. But, ok."

"It's very rich."

"Rich indeed."

"Would you stop having this conversation about _Peanut butter?"  
_

"Why its so tasty!" Sirius licked some up from the floor.

"I think I'm going to vomit." Remus' face was contorted in disgust.

"Get up mate," Sirius poked prongs who was standing above him, "You know if you were a lady I'd b looking up your skirt."

"Your more disgusting than a horny Snape humping a Hippogriff."

Sirius cringed, "Ew who would want to see that?" He said imitating a person gagging.

"You would. You know you would."

"No that's just poppycock."

"Excuse me?" Remus raised his eyebrow.

"POPPYCOCK! Its so fun to say."

"No its not."

"Well you haven't tried it yet." He bounced around the room shouting "POPPYCOCK, POPPYCOCK, POPPYCOCK!!!!" Peter had recently joined in the festive screaming.

"**Shut up!"  
**  
"Never!"

"I'll strangle you." James made a leap for Sirius knocking down Peter and then Remus in a domino effect.

"Stop it both of you!" Remus came between them but was just smashed on both sides with his friend's bodies. "Stop it or I'll bite both of you!" They both ceased looking at Remus with horrified expressions. "Good." He sighed, "We need to go to potions class remember?"

Sirius and Peter cringed. Sirius because he thought Slughorn was annoying in his liked him too much, Peter because he didn't like him and felt left out with his friends because they were all popular or famous. "I don't wanna go to potions!" Sirius cried out, "I hate it!" he folded his arms in a rather childish way trying to say 'I'm not moving so don't even try.'

"Too bad" Remus kicked him and he got up.  
"Owwie that hurt."  
"That was my intention now you better not make me late."

And as we all could've guessed Remus was late for class, making him loose his perfect attendance award he had so hoping to get.

"Why do I have such idiotic friends?" he mumbled to himself taking his seat. It was 10 minuets past.

"Oho, Potter my boy!" Slughorn cheerfully invited him in putting an arm around the him making James very uncomfortable.

"Hello Professor!"

"late for my class again I see," He waved his finger playfully at James. A gag was caught in mid gagging. So basically James gagged once and gagged in the middle of it. So it was really twice causing quite the attractive noise. Lily looked back to see who was choking and disappointedly saw James standing on his two feet.

"I hope that's alright professor."

"Oh of course my boy, of course! Here's the instructions for the potion, make me proud James!"

James turned to his fellow marauders and asked openly. "Is it just me or did Slughorn just sound like my mum?" They nodded in unison, " I was afraid of that."

"Lily was looking at you though." Peter pointed out matter-of-factly puffin gout his chest in pride that he saw it and no other marauder did.

"Really?" he ruffles his hair making it look messier than usual, "Should I go talk to her?"

"Go for it what have you to loose?"

"Quite a lot" Remus muttered almost halfway done with his potion.

"Alright I suddenly feel courageous." James walked over to lily's table, ruffling his hair along the way.

As soon as he made it to Lily's table Sirius turned to peter. "How much do you want to bet that she puts him down?"

"A galleon."

"Oooh its on wormy-tail, its on!"

"ARGHHH" There was a red spot on James' cheek, "what was that for Lily?"

"For sneaking up on my conversation in the bathroom."

"What bathroom?"

Lily smacked him again.

"Oh that bathroom…" He responded dryly looking into her cauldron, "Nice potion."

"Ooohh a shut down! No one wins then Wormy-tail."

Peter looked down wishing he was one galleon richer. Poor Wormtail.

The class was over with the marauders, except for Remus who was politely making his potion and passed it in, got by off their connection to the teacher. For Peter that wasn't much.

"Nonsense, nonsense, nonsense."

James looked dismally ahead of him watching the rain outside of his dormitory window. "Prison, Prison, Prison." James said back, half expecting Remus to respond with a 'Books, books, books.' But being to interested in one he did not.

"S' what I got." Sirius said in a slurred voice.

"What, a life?"

"Har…h-har"

"Your drunk again Padfoot"

"N'm not."

"Just listen to yourself"

"Bugs…your too mart' fo' me Moo-hooy" He leaned in closer to Remus, obscuring his reading room. "Who would like to…get it on tonight?"

James grabbed a bottle of firewiskey. "I second that motion but not in any sexual way with any of you."

Peter then grabbed a bottle. "Me too"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Com' on Moo-hoony. Sto' bein' a partay poopay."

"Don't talk to me like that Padfoot."

"Come one we'll have some _fun."_

"I don't think so."

**Five minuets later…**

"Hold him down as I pour the firewhiskey in his mouth!"

"Right-o paddy!" they were holding Remus against his will, Peter giggling to himself in the corner.  
"What chu' doing over there." Peter's high-pitched laughter came to Sirius' attention.

He continued laughting, "Noth- hahahaha"

"Firewiskey all round!" The boys rejoiced in much cheering and swigging of illegal drinks.

"I see so many..so many things now Prongs!"

"Lily, Is that you?" James walked over to the toilet located conveniently where he could see it. James fell on top of it causing it to flush. "Bugger toilet."

The boys laughed and removed Remus who was now also drunk.

"Les' go to the quiddich bowl-thinger!" They ran down, forgetting they had no clothes on, streaking through the hallways. "Eh' guises" Sirius screamed in pleasure, "I'm naked!"

Suddenly the other marauders stopped short. A certain professor was standing in front of them shaking with anger. Sirius looked scared for his life. "RUN FER IT MATIESSS!"

They scrambled up the hallway and bumped into a black haired girl who gawked at their nakedness. "Ohmyohmyohmyohmyohmy" She muttered and Sirius layed a smooch on her. Allowing the others to pass.

"Sirius get going!"

"S' nice meeting you" The girl melted on the floor.

The closest door was those that lead out of the castle by the lake.

they ran as fast as they could but forgot to open the doors. "Oof!" Sirius' face collided with the iron. "My beautiful face!!!!"

"She's coming!"

"Oi, I have' mee invisi' cloak" James put it over the 4 naked boys.

"You had this the entire time didn't you?" Remus hissed.

"Cloakiee!" James continued to stroke the cloak in a way that scared the boys even whilst drunk.

"I think your going to have sex with that thing."

"Its going to have me babies"

"a cloak can't have babies"

"MY DREAMS THEIR RUINED!"

The boys tried to hush him. "Uhmm yes they can Moony's just being a prat that's all, right Wormtail?" Peter nodded.  
They made it to their dormitory and safely and passed out on the floor. Almost as if it was planned.

A few minuets Lily, unfortunately, walked in. "James get off the floor."

James didn't move.

"James get off the floor!" she said it more sternly now hoping to get his attention. She did not know, and was completely oblivious that they had passed out. "Fool."

She turned her heal ready to leave when a hand grabbed her ankle. She shrieked and ran down to the common room to tell her friends what has happened.

Lily had dropped a note on James' head, which immediately burned when his drunken-half passed out body tried to open it. "Ooh look…there's pretty things on my hair." He mumbled and passed out. 

The next morning James had a massive headache and felt he should thank god it was a weekend. So he did. Sirius woke up in a peculiar angle on top of Remus who was trying to shove him off. "Mornin' Moony" He said cheerfully.

"Morning," He grumbled.

"Where's my peanut butter?"

"In the corner, remember?"

Sirius lapped the rest up from the ground. "That was an interesting night."

"I think I saw Lily." James said nervously.

"You always think that mate."

"But I think I saw her, and I think she saw me. Naked." The last word lingered in the air.

"Well I saw boobies everywhere but that doesn't' mean any of them saw me!"

"Breasts don't' have eyes Sirius."

"I know that, but they look like they do!" he tried to imamate how a breast might have eyes.

"I think you lost more brain cells last night."

"That wouldn't be surprising," James mumbled.

"Poo…poo."

"Real mature Sirius" Remus rolled his eyes.

"I wanna go to the fuure"

"The what?"

"fuure"

"I think he means future James"

"Oh."

He looked into the mirror "AHH I LOOK DEAD! MOONY WILL I DIE IN THE FUTURE??"

"Yes Sirius, everyone dies at some point."

"But I can't! I'm a sex god!"

"No your not"

"yes I am"

"In the future I will have my own castle…Write this down Wormtail." Wormtail obeyed. "I will be very handsome and the girl won't be able to get their hands off me and-"

He continued all the way through breakfast.

And through their ceremonial snowflake cutting party of the weekend that only they were invited through.  
And- "SHUT UP SIRIUS I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR KINKY SEX WITH SOME HOT MUGGLE PROSTITUTE!"

Sirius glared, "No need to be jealous Prongsie you can have Lily."

"Er…thanks."

"Hey sweet stuff" A black haired student came up to Sirius and kissed his cheek.

"Have we met?" He asked pleased and shocked at the same time.

"Yes last night."

"Last night?"

"Yes." She looked a bit angry now.

"What?" She looked angrier now, "I don' remember last-"

_**SMACK**_

"OW!"

"Padfoot is going to get a beating in the future."

"That he is James," Remus nodded, "that he is."


End file.
